putting myself first
surviving and selfishness
i’m tired of being resilient.
for most of my life, especially my young adult life, i’ve had to be. i don’t complain about a lot of things, at least not to other people. i try not to let it slip when i’m struggling, or let people see that i don’t always have my shit together. i feel like i’ve had to work harder to seem competent and strong. i’ve had to look out for myself, not in a selfish way but in a self-preserving, protective way. if i let the mask of knowing what i’m doing and where i’m going slip it would be way too obvious. i’m a big, easy target, i know that. or at least that’s what people tend to assume. so i do what i can to keep myself safe and keep going.
i don’t think i know what it’s like to not be in survival mode. to not be constantly working towards something, pushing myself. to not be in fear of something fucking up my chances of having the life i want. to not be waiting for something to go wrong. to be able to really, truly, fully relax. to not struggle to trust people. to not be afraid of getting hurt or accidentally hurting myself. it feels like i’ve always been this way, even before i knew what my anxiety was and how to describe it.
thinking about the future when i won’t have to be anymore, when i’ve reached the goals i’ve been working towards for years, honestly scares me. i want the independence and the choice, but suddenly having so much feels like it’s going to be daunting. i worry i’m going to just freeze up and not know what to do first, or at all. like because i’ve had the same ambitions for so long it’s just gonna be like ok… what now? what do i do? what do i do when i’m not at work? what the hell do i eat every day? i get to have a social life now? uhh, how? and with who? seriously, please help.
i’m so not used to being able to think about myself in a way that… isn’t physical, if that makes sense. i’m not used to being able to be selfish, even though sometimes i think my self-preservation comes across as being self-absorbed and uncaring. i’m always concerned about something else, and i tend to lean towards decisions that won’t upset anybody or cause tension or drama. i already think people have to put too much energy into helping me. i just want to keep myself out of the way physically and metaphorically.
would letting myself be selfish really be that bad? doing something just because i want to, because it makes me happy? actually giving a shit about self care and feeling better about myself? making decisions solely based on myself and my schedule? not taking 2 to 3 business weeks to decide to do something? the truth is i don’t know. even thinking about it feels weird; actually doing it would probably make me feel so icky and self conscious. i think i need to rewire my entire fucking brain, which probably means i’ll be in therapy for the rest of my adult life. very cool very healthy :)